; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
