went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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