MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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