he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
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Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
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