Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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