his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
