Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
