Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
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It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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