You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
