Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
