I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
