Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
