Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
