i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.