I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
