What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
