The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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