omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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