There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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