you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
