Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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