I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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