Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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