I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You're breaking my sexual little heart
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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