Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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