i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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