got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I want to fling myself into the sun
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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