As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
