I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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