I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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