seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
