you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
