I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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