How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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