I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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