I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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