it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
