Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
