I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
