fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
