the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
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I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
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Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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