I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
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