Only a mothe r could love this liver
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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