You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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