Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
These tits shall not be calmed
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
