I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
