Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
