We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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