I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
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I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
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Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?