Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
