I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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