I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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