So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I have tasted many bathrooms
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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