I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha