Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i was born a porn star she said
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
