I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
