I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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